Lyric Prompt: You are the Reason

You are the reason

There goes my heart beating

'Cause you are the reason

I'm losing my sleep

Please come back now

I think about you. I dream about you. I wonder if you stay awake like me too. 

On those long nights after a soulful cry, I wonder; Do you care?

I wait by the phone, waiting for the call, a call, ANY call, telling me you changed your mind. 

It hurts; the wait. 

And there goes my mind racing

And you are the reason

That I'm still breathing

I'm hopeless now

I can’t stop thinking, I’m breaking apart. I cry at a song, at a drop of a hat.

I came across the portrait from happier times and sat in the middle of the floor letting everything out.

The music played so loud, no one heard me. 

Tonight I wasn’t lucky, I started crying over a pork chop glaze. 

I couldn’t help the body-wracking sobs or the tears that trailed unchecked. 

I’m hopeless now. 

I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken

Oh, 'cause I need you to see

That you are the reason

I did so much to try and stay, I tried so hard to be okay. But crying in the bathroom or out in my car, trying to hide the hurt you caused by not causing a scene. I bit my tongue and let you lash out. 

Why now? You might ask, why would I bring this up now.

Because I thought you’d get better.

Hopeful thinking, I know. 

I thought things would change, they did, but not for the better; things got unbearable. 

You are the reason...

I thought, you out of everyone in my life, knew that a lifetime of abuse can shape a soul. You out of everyone should have known that it took every ounce inside me, to say something.

To say, anything. 

There goes my hands shaking

And you are the reason

My heart keeps bleeding

I need you now

The night you showed up, my last ounce of dignity that I held, shattered. It ran off the moment I opened that door and saw a pair of eyes who used to, simply, love me.

Did you ever? 

Do you now?

Those eyes weren't yours, they were vengeful. 

What I feel is abandonment, and this is not what a 32-year-old should feel like. I shouldn’t feel like I'm an adolescent, I shouldn't feel like that helpless kid starved for her parents attention. 

I need you now....

More than ever, but you\"re holding on to your blind ignorance to see I'm here, wanting you.

And if I could turn back the clock

I'd make sure the light defeated the dark

I'd spend every hour, of every day

Keeping you safe

I'm not strong enough to carry you, I never was, I was and still am a kid. I'm stuck feeling out of whack, off kilter and not always there. I get lost in memories, in a swirl of change that took my mother from me. 

I want what little relationship we had....back. Even though that wasn't great either, but you were still human.

Fucking up and admitting you weren't perfect. So what happened to that mom? I'll take the perfectly imperfect, broken, raw, pain in my ass every day of the week....

What I won\"t settle for is the shell of the woman you used to be. Bitterness changed you, and I couldn't save you.

No matter how hard I tried, I could never even save myself.

I couldn't keep you safe.

I don't wanna fight no more

I don't wanna hide no more

I don't wanna cry no more

Come back I need you to hold me (you are the reason)

Be a little closer now

Just a little closer now

Come a little closer

I need you to hold me tonight

Can you see?

This isn't what I wanted.

I wanted my family back.

The fucked up beautiful mess.

The gypsy souls, the vagabonds, the sinners who were saints and a family I was more than ‘okay’ with...

I don't want what we used to be, these barely hanging on to sanity humans, that\"s why I'm fighting.

That\"s why I've gone dark, and silent, and incommunicado...

I've gone through the court, the police, and domestic violence personnel to prove to you I'm not going to back down.

Last year was my darkest point, I needed that to get through this. 

What I needed from you, was as simple as showing up...

I needed you to hold me....

I needed you to not talk behind my back...

Or for it to get back to me. 

Ignorance is bliss, but so is letting go of over a decades worth of sweeping me under the run...

Sweeping all of it under the rug.

Aren't you tired? 

I sure as fuck am.

I'm tired of crying, of wondering, of racing the clock that are your lives, of wondering if the ‘call’ I'm waiting for is of one of you passing. 

And that because you wanted to hide your bullshit, instead of owning up to your part, that you chose to hide, instead of joining me in the light.

Of choosing to die instead of telling me, one last time that you do love me. 

That it has all been in my head. 

That you want to try, to renew my hope on family...

I've been in the dark too long...

Haven't you?