Sunday, August 25, 2024

Poem: The Crushing Weight of Silence

Wishing you luck

In love and life


Sets my soul to crumble


Under the weight of what I’ve left unsaid


I wished you had stayed


Held me close


Instead of away


I wished you had listened


To my pleas


Instead of assigning blame


I wished you knew


Just how much I wanted you


Flaws and all


I wished you knew my reasoning


Behind choosing to step away


Because then you’d truly know


The depth of my feelings for you


I wished I could give you what you wanted


But in good conscious


I can’t


I wished I could be a good mother


But I know I would not


When you already shame me


For the darkness, I have inside


It wouldn’t be fair to you


Or for whoever I create


To bear the burdens of a mother


Too damaged by others 


To simply celebrate 


I wished I could be me


The me who I want to be


But the veil can’t be lifted for too long


Before I retreat underneath 


In sweet relief


When there’s been too much light 

Poem: Patchwork Heart

Sometimes existence is hard

As I thread the needle


To sew the pieces back together


Their jagged lines unkempt


And the tears pucker and stretch


Scars of what once had been


And what no longer is

Thursday, August 22, 2024

Poem: The Sea of Fate

Walkways stretch out

miles in between

the island I eye

across the concrete sea

I wasn’t surprised 

knowing you’d be there

Topographically correct

Was never the sum of you and me

But

Once my feet hit the ground

and my eyes spotted you

the solid piece of land

I can’t help

but float to

Intuition guided

Fates waves crashing

Under the Blue Moon

which brought me back to you

Wednesday, August 21, 2024

Poem: On Abused Kids

 Abused kids just know
we grew up recognizing
whose footsteps fell
Outside the bedroom door 
understanding tones of voice
or the look in someone’s eye
there wasn’t a day 
we weren’t left waiting
for the bottom to fall out
And the sky to swallow us whole
We knew when things were good
and when things were bad
When people were happy

And when they were sad

call us the empathetic person

or crazy like the rest

but that was all we had

when all you knew was clouds

You don’t know how 

to handle the break

when other people are sleeping

You lay in bed

Wide awake

Saturday, August 17, 2024

Poem: An Adult? Me?

I overshare
And am misunderstood 
My dark sense of humor
Leaves you running for the woods

I’m quiet in crowds
And loud with my friends

I’m not “normal”

And most times I’m sad

I feel things too much

And ruminate on the bad

Sometimes I’m numb

By feeling everything at once

I get stuck in my past

And wonder what life would have been

If I hadn’t been emotionally battered

As a wide-eyed, curious kid

I find adulthood tedious

And I never fit in

So, I overcompensate with humor

And cry alone at night

Because nothing ever feels quite right

I try to be social

But get scared and go home

Because once you’re the weird kid

You never outgrow the stigma

Put on you by others

More social than you

So I sit in corners

And skirt the crowd 

A ghost in a society
I feel invisible in


Saturday, August 10, 2024

Poem: To the one who left



I didn’t just let you go

I silenced myself

And all the screams

The pleadings

The begging just as well

I pulled myself back up

From deep diving into hell

After each emotional well 

Wednesday, August 7, 2024

Poem: Final Feast

He calls me a sinner

The words dripping mirth

From the same mouth that speaks

in tongues on Sundays before dinner

The same hands he folds

In prayer

Over the good Lords blessings

Runs my up thighs

To spread my legs

For one last

Final feast 

Of sexual desire 

Then leaves me before the service

Where he pretends to be saved

From the sinner who caused

His eternal fall from grace 

Monday, August 5, 2024

Hypothetically

The knocking on my front door was about as annoying as the mystery smell sneaking up through my floorboards. Both persisted enough for me to acknowledge that I hadn't paid attention to anything the past few days, and I felt like I had missed something important. For instance, the smell didn't bother me quite as much as the front-page news article claiming that the Tri-State Killer Caught in the Pig Pen. That news was unsettling enough to cause me to mope around the house and forget to leave it altogether.
                  Did I remember to submit my food order?
                  Dread washed over me as I swung the door open and saw officers scattered in my front yard. 
Indeed, I forgot to submit my food delivery.
                  When I made eye contact with the officer at the door, his grim face made me sigh. I had already grown weary of the situation, with nosy county officials and neighbors poking their heads out of their houses.
                  The last thing I wanted to start the day with was hearing on the news how the neighbors knew I was bad news even though I never talked to them. I couldn't help the sense of dread that hit my stomach like a pound of bricks; my smile became stuck in place, and if I so much as moved, I feared it would crack in half and reveal the horrible truths behind it. I took in the scene before me, cleared my throat, readjusted my smile, and commanded myself to act normal.
                  To act normally like everyone else.
                  I surely overlooked something.
                  "What can I help you with?" I realized my voice sounded strange; even to my ears, it sounded strained. Shit, I bemoan. The officer's eyebrow shot up while his hand was on his gun and another holding paperwork in a file that caused my stomach to drop.
                  "We have a warrant to search your property."
                  Double shit.
                  "Under what grounds?" I lift my brows, folding my arms, killing some time.
                  “There's a smell." He deadpanned.
                  "The dumps not too far from here, so maybe—" I point.
                  "It's not the dump." He thrust the paper toward me.
                  I looked down at the paperwork before looking up at the officer, who motioned me off the porch. I followed him, muttering as I went.
                  "Who would kill someone and stash the body under their own house? Such a rookie move." I snort as I look through the paperwork. "That wouldn't be my MO."
                  "What would be your MO?" The officer stared at me, and then my eyes snapped up to his. I noticed his long fingers wrapped around his gun's hilt.
                  "I mean, after being an avid murder podcast listener, this wouldn't be it." I swallowed, waving my hand toward my house as a dog was led around my property, almost instantly signaling the source of the smell under my porch, and I stood still, papers hanging off my fingertips, my smile falling.
                  Oh no.
                  "Uh, sir? We found a body."
                  Was I being framed?
--
                  The Handcuffs jingled as they moved me down the central holding cell block. There were drunks slumped against the wall sleeping off their overnight benders, a group of men in various shades of white wife beaters and bruises existed in the bigger cell, and as we moved past a lone person, I came to take up residence in the one next to them. He looked over at me, and his baby blue eyes spelled trouble; every red flag waved precariously as his lips tipped upward in a grin. The officer mumbled some instructions before taking off my cuffs, locking me in, leaving me standing in the middle of the small cell, and rubbing my wrists. My eyes dart over to the good-looking male staring at me, eyes shining as if we met on the street instead of in a neighboring jail cell.
                  "What are you in for?" His voice sounded amused.
                  "Being wrongly accused of hiding a body under my house." I sighed and sank to the grimy bench that had seen better days. "You?"
                  "Being wrongly accused of being a serial killer." He turned and jingled his cuffs at me. "They're afraid of me."
                  "Huh." I eyed him, wondering why he was so chatty.
                  "They got it all wrong, you see," he leaned back and tilted his head, looking over at me, "this would never be my MO."
                  "What would be your MO?"
                  "Not taking my victims to the pig farm a town over." He said nonchalantly. "Hypothetically, mine would be more along the lines of hiding bodies under random people's houses so the trail goes cold after they think they got their killer."
                  "Hypothetically," I murmured dryly. The coincidence is not lost on me.
                  "Hypothetically." he grinned.
                  "Well, hypothetically, mine would be taking the bodies to the pig farm a county over since pigs eat everything. I wouldn't have to worry about trace evidence popping up mysteriously." I find I'm still rubbing my wrist where the cuffs dug in, and I glance at him. "Since I would wash and donate clothing to homeless shelters."
                  "Small world: two hypothetical killers in adjoining cells, in the same jail, on the same day.”
                  "Who would have thunk?" we sat silently for a moment before he looked around his cell, then mine, before leaning over, cuffs jingling as he whispered.
                  "What's your address?"
                  "Why would I give you my address?" I frown at him.
                  "I'm just a curious bloke, possibly stuck in here for ten-plus years." He lifts a single shoulder in a sort of half-shrug. "It's not like I'm getting out anytime soon to check and see if you were telling the truth to a stranger in the jail cell."
                  That sounded like a personal problem to me, but, I liked a challenge.
                  "I live off of Sunshine Ave," I said, watching his smile fall.
                  "Oh." he breathed.
                  "Oh, what?"
                  "That was me," he lowers his voice, "hypothetically."
                  "Well, the pig farm was me, so we're even." I kept my head leaned back but could feel his eyes on me.
                  "Hypothetically."
                  "Well, color me impressed," his smile returned to being cheeky, or so it sounded, "a woman after my own heart."
                  "Why do they always think serial killers are always men? And that women can only kill one person, hysterically, and then only hide them under their house like we're not smarter than that." I point toward him and murmur. "Dick move, by the way."
                  "Hey, I did what I had to do." he feigned afront. 
                  "Still rude," I grumble, sliding down the wall a little and folding my arms over my chest.
                  "Hey," his voice inquires over the sound of one perfectly hissed punta a couple of cells over, "if we ever get out, would you like to? I don't know—"
                  "Fuck no," I snort, not even giving him a chance to finish his sentence, "you're a walking red flag."
                  "And you're not?" he had the nerve to look affronted as I looked over to him and his alluring blue eyes, "and how do you even know I was going to ask you out?"
                  "Oh no, I am," I lift the toes of my dirt-caked shoes and examine them, "but you're a man; men only think about one thing." I pause.
                  "Not murder?" he asked.
                  "Intercourse," we speak over each other, and I manage to frown at him as he shrugs.
                  "I work alone." I sighed. 
                  "Me too, but if we're being honest, I was more or less thinking of asking you out on a date."
                  "Are you a self-proclaimed good guy? Because I don't date good guys."
                  "I'm in a jail cell," he blinked at me, speaking slowly, "next to your jail cell. I think we have both bypassed the being good people bit and went straight to seeing the worst sides of each other right off the bat. Which would save us months of wondering what the other could do to emotionally or mentally wreck the other."
                  "That's a good point," I roll my neck side to side before shrugging, "that's saying if we got off the hook for the murders."
                  "Was that a yes?" he perked up.
                  "I guess we'll see, due to inconveniences.”
                  "Brandon!" the name echoes throughout the cells. Everyone turns to look toward the door, and the blue-eyed villain next door stands up, chains jangling.
                  "Yeah?"
                  "You've been bailed out."
                  "Well, I'll be damned; I guess I'll meet you at your house." he turns his grin on me as I roll my eyes.
                  "If only I were so lucky." I watch as he's escorted out in a verbal cloud of hoots and hollers from the gang of bruised wife-beaters. 
                  As he paused at the door, he turned his gaze on me, winking, before disappearing. I'm left wondering if we were both mentally sane enough to date or if we were enough of a problem alone.