Out of the Inside

 

I have always been more of the watchful sort that sits on the outside of things and watches typical human interactions. I used to be ashamed of being dubbed the weird kid, but as an adult it has helped me understand things more deeply.

Today, for instance, was one of those moments I have been waiting for a little over 9 years. It is no secret or love lost, that my divorce was unnecessarily dirty. My first husband and I didn’t have kids or property, we shared a car and I eventually gave that back after not wanting to hear about it any more or getting anywhere trying to finance on my own (divorce DOES mess up your credit). So does trying to help your mom finance a $10,000 loan and it taking 9 years of financial depression to be settled.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, and one of those lessons were watching my friends live their lives; without me.
My ex won my friends in the divorce because it was technically a family thing. I knew my friends first, so it burned when they left me alone after that whole thing. I spent many a sad day going through old pictures and Facebook profiles just to keep up with them.
Lots of tears.
Lots of hatred to myself, my ex and my friends for thinking so little of me.

I’m no longer sad about it, if we need to put an emotion behind those times, now I term it as bittersweet.

My friend got married today.

Sitting on the outskirts today, watching everything unfold as the sunshine came out after a particularly bad storm, watching everyone I used to know mill about, I sat naming them, commenting to myself how they’ve grown, changed and so on. Most were my ex’s family members since the bride was his cousin.
Also, sat there waiting for him to show up, the whole time holding my husband’s hand nervously.
My other friend also had a new baby boy; I had no clue.
I watched them take pictures together, smiling and laughing and I smiled to myself remembering different times when we all used to be close.

I was a stranger watching from the outside and if it were anyone else, I guess it could be deemed torture. It just made me realize that I had literally missed a decade of these peoples lives.
These girls, that I had spent so much time with in High School, were now essentially strangers and I longed for that commodity again. All the stories I have, where in the past. The sleep overs, the surprise birthday parties, afterschool shenanigans and everything under the sun.

But my awkward self knows she’s at a loss, because how do you go back to a new normal where you don’t know exactly where you stand?
On one hand, we were too young to deal with things like divorce, especially since I never opened up to any of them about the problems I had in my married life.
To be honest, my family never knew.

This was a failure for me, and I didn’t handle failure, I stuck with it until I knew deep down something was off and I was better off just leaving. I felt like if I denied the lies surrounding our divorce, that I’d still look guilty anyways, but I realized not voicing my concerns led it to me looking like a real asshole.

So, I’ve had to live with the lie that ended my friendships with two people I thought would be ‘friends forever’, and didn’t fight for them to see my side of the story. Because when I’m hurt, I run away, get another new job and work myself until I don’t have feelings. I’ve thrown myself into working my ass off so I wouldn’t have to think of the hurt.

My brain was left thinking: My friends left me because my ex or ex mother in law wanted to be vindictive, so be it, if they think so little of me then I shouldn’t have them in my life. My own family thinks so little of me too, so was it any different at that point? Maybe if I just find one person that likes me, after I spill ALL my guts to them…if they stay…then they’re all I need right?
I ran through all the stages of grief scrolling through Facebook.

If it wasn’t for my husband now, I probably wouldn’t be here. Truth be told, he’s the only reason I come back from the darkness. He became my best friend during a time when I didn’t know who my friends were. My ex had told my friends to ‘keep me busy and to watch me’, what I don’t think he told them is why I was wanting a divorce. I’ll leave it at, his mom was on our joint checking account and he was going over seas and I didn’t trust her. What it all boiled down to was severe trust issues.
I had also found messages from him to his ex-girlfriend/fiancée, and all the messages to my friends telling them to keep me busy. In that time his mom had taken out like, $5000 from our brank and told him I took it to give to my mother (I didn’t know this till years later.) I got reamed up and down Facebook for cheating on my ex, when I had not.
I’ll be honest about it, after a harrowing 9 months of emotional distress and turmoil on a daily basis, I did fall in love with my now husband. He was only my dance partner and friend, but the fact that he cared enough to talk me through some of my issues when I segregated myself from everyone; and he stayed.
He literally saw me at my worst, knew my bullshit, asked questions, tried to help me out; but the fact that this man still showed up to dance practices and after letting me have a good cry, would clap his hands, pull me up and say ‘Lets dance it off’ like I didn’t just bare my soul.
He was the only person I let in at that time. I simply couldn’t trust anyone else without it getting back to friends or my mother.

I felt betrayed by my past.

At the time I felt my ex hated me more because I told him outright I wanted a divorce; I told his mom too. If he wasn’t willing to grow up and be an adult, move away from his family and get his mom off of his personal accounts, then I didn’t want to stick around and have to deal with it.

If you’re not willing to grow, I’m not willing to keep watering you.

He wanted me to lose weight, to wear skimpy things, to look like other women (pointing them out to me asking me why I didn’t look like them), all the while bragging to me about how many girls thought he was hot and who he flirted with that day. I already felt inadequate. I felt inadequate because at that time, yeah, I kind of wanted kid at the time, but he always used a condom even though I was on birth control. He thought so little of me, that I would trap him of something.
After we married, I also had to deal with an accusation that soured our relationship from there, that it was my fault for wanting to get married and that’s why they enlisted him active duty.
I was the reason he went overseas, he would tell me.

That’s when I started hated him; I sacrificed a lot to be there with him. I quit college three classes away from graduation, I left my family and friends, I broke my one friends heart by not going to her wedding because he put in my head that she didn’t like me anyways because I was dating him.

Nine years later I’m sad for him. I may have lost a lot in the process, but falling so hard made me work harder to prove my ‘enemies’ wrong. I was worth something, I AM worth everything.
My past does not define my future. Because damn it’s bright.

Thanks to him I have rebuilt from ground up; my credit score is up, my debts a year away from being paid completely, I’m on my 8^th anniversary with my husband who is my best friend and he still loves at me every more, whether II look it or not, and calls me beautiful. That no other woman could ever compare. Thanks to my ex, I knew what unhealthy love was and that I had to go through him first, to appreciate my nerdy little Andrew. Thanks to my ex I know I don’t want children after they attempted to talk me into getting pregnant before he left so I could be kept busy. Thanks to my ex I’ve worked my ass off, living to prove him wrong.
I own my own business, I’m about to build a house and I’m starting a career in writing.

But at the end of the day, and sitting through Brittney’s wedding, I shed a tear as a type.

Here’s to friendship my love, to the nitty gritty and the bullshit we dug our way through.
I didn’t tell you today, but I’m grateful you included me and my husband., I needed him there to hold my hand as I watched my oldest best friend marry her true love. I cried when Cory said his vows to Cadence and took her as his own daughter.
Seeing you walk down the isle made me tear up, seeing Britt as the bridesmaid also helped that along. I’d been away from you ladies for so long and it truly sucked sitting back there watching from a distance, but I loved being included.

Through mixed emotions and a lovely ending of this chapter of my life, I sign off with this.

You’re alive, so be alive. Feel the emotions raw and dirty, be vocal, and let people know the things in your heart. We get one life to live, so life this thing well. Don’t live with ten years of regret under your belt when you could have had better memories, instead of soul crushing regrets.
Live your truth.

The Songs that Move Us

 For as long as I could remember, I let music move me. I spend days going down musical rabbit holes in search for new jams and inspirations. I'll sit in my studio before clients come in jamming out to new music and sew.
Music has been there through my many highs a lows of growing up to love and divorce.
I once spent an entire summer combing through my late Uncle Mikes vast collection of unmarked burned CD's, wrote down lyrics to research lyrics later so I could find out who sang what.
This was a summer where my whole life was changed and upturned. My grandfather had past away, then a week later Uncle Mike died. We also moved from Las Vegas to Pensacola in a whirlwind of boxes and crazy music choices. This helped me cope with a lot, an ending and a beginning. Dark and light battling it out in my deep dark little soul.
At this time I was enjoying my dark phase: Evanescence and Disturbed. 

I've had a Walkman where I taped my own mixes from radio edits from the hit radio station in Vegas. I'd had my diskman when Napster was prevalent and you had to pray no one picked up the damn landline during a download. 

I've been through all these things, the blooming of technology: my first boyfriend bought me a Zune where my first few downloads were a movie for my long ass flight from Canada back to Florida and then later I bought an iPod touch for my birthday since my ex husband really sucked at gift giving
Think $20 dish set from Walmart. 
We already had dishes.
That I bought.

Music, for everyone, holds something special. 
It's what binds us to emotion, to memories, to life.

I can go down the list of my favorite songs and tell you what part of life I was in, what I felt and why this was a song I would listen to on repeat. The memories vivid, beautiful it all their dirty glory. 
Sunshine and rainbows didn't describe my childhood, but I managed to grow and get through a lot of really dark times. 
Music and writing were what saved my soul, it's how I learned I would be okay. It gave me an outlet for my emotions, belting out the lyrics in my car as I drove, crying or laughing, good or bad mood, music has been my constant companions. Never had I had someone known me quite as much as music.

This is the short Playlist of my life:

Pink- Family Portrait
Years of abuse at the hands of adults had caused me to go down a dark path of wanting to commit suicide on several occasions, so I no longer had to live in a constant state of fear and unease at being a failure. But also battling a deep sense of being someone someday, someone that would speak out and be a soldier for kids like me. 
Walking on eggshells, staying up late so I slept until noon because then I would only have a few hours less of fucking up. Hearing this song with my step sister made me realize I wasn't the only one out there being hurt.
Hearing this as an adult I will still belt it out in the garage and my car as a type of continual

Evanescence- Bring Me to Life
I found this song at the airport as we were leaving Las Vegas for the last time to move to Florida.
Sitting in McCarren Airport, CD freshly bought with a magazine because I saw it had a Disturbed song. I was full of angst.
I had gone through the worst year of my young life and everything had changed.
I saw death for the first time, I saw the inevitable fall of my step dad emotionally when we got the call that my Uncle Mike was found dead and I was the only one at home to hold this strong man as he cried in my arms. Bring me to Life was the theme song of my next year of high school, played on repeat as I sat at the front of the bus; new girl and all.

Lady A- I Run to You
'I run my life
Or is it runnin' me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you'

The summer I met my ex husband.
This song was on repeat for me even before, I feel head over heel for that man. Young dumb and in love was definitely the title of that portion of my life. 

A Great Big World- Say Something
'And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
Say something, I'm giving up on you'

I'd drive to work early in the mornings singing this at the top of my lungs. This was in the middle of our two year marriage, right after we married and I found out he felt like I made him commit. That it was my fault for him getting called to duty for the military because I wanted to get married.
I still remember walking in the door of his mothers kitchen and receiving the news that he was going over seas two weeks after getting married.
Learning your husband low key hated you because you thought marrying him would make him love you more, is a sad realization that no, if he didn't like you before; marrying the man wasn't gunna change that.

Sam Smith- Stay with me
'Oh, won't you stay with me
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love, it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me'

This song broke my soul after my divorce.
I would cry in the car anytime it came on the radio because it was gut wrenching how his voice portrayed so much emotion but it also painted a picture of my ex being alone. I know I wasn't his favorite person because of how he treated me, but I had found this broken man and I just could not keep pouring myself into a cup that refused to stay full. 
And even though I moved on, I still grieved for a year after.

Halsey-You should be sad
"I wanna start this out and say
I gotta get it off my chest (my chest)
Got no anger, got no malice
Just a little bit of regret (regret)"

Coming to terms with a hate I had for my ex and wondering why, for years after, he hurt me so much. What had I done to him, besides love him enough to hurt me so bad and still stay. I was never pretty enough, or skinny, I didn't have the same aesthetics as sexy women he wanted me to be like, I dressed in polka dots when he wanted me dressed as a 'slut'. Realizing that my ex probably wasn't all that bad because his mother latched her hateful nature onto him because she's just an asshole.
Still don't like her after eight years.
Still wish I would have sent her a glitter bomb.

The part about her not wanting babies with the source of her song, also rang true. I would have been stuck if I agreed to that.

Little Big Town- Better Man
'I know I'm probably better off on my own
Than loving a man who
Didn't know what he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me'

It took a long time to love myself after back to back child abuse and domestic discourse with a verbally abusive spouse. I sat a lot stuck in my head and in a  rut, on whether or not I was actually loveable or if it was just me. If all these people treated me so bad, was it me really me? Or was I exuding a sort of pheromone that said, 'Hey, look at me, I'm weak."
It took until 2020 for me to stop apologizing to the people who hurt me, for standing up for myself and putting my emotional health first. 

Lana Del Ray- Summertime Sadness
'I got my red dress on tonight
Dancin' in the dark, in the pale moonlight
Done my hair up real big, beauty queen style
High heels off, I'm feelin' alive'

After months of struggling with right and wrong, self hate and a deep hate for my ex and what he was putting me thought emotionally; I wore my red dress that night. I went out to a dance social and looked beautiful in a dress I didn't feel too comfortable in, but I was stepping out of my comfort zone for the first time and saying 'fuck it, my happiness came first.'
And danced the night away with a man who later became my second husband.

John Legend- All of Me
'Cause all of me loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections'

When Andrew came into my life, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He never told me, but it was the small things he did or said; all while respecting that I was married. He knew my emotions and would ask me when he knew something was off; with him I could never hide anything that was wrong, still can't. He would ask me about my day and we would talk about our plans and dreams while sitting at the local colleges racket ball courts in between our ballroom/swing dance practices or at Sonic over a drink before parting and going our separate ways.
It was the way he took my hand to help me down the flight of stairs on Swing dance nights, and how I actually longed, each week, for the next time he took my hand going down those steps every Friday night.

Lady A- Compass
'You wanna give up cause it's dark
We're really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweetheart
Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go'

This was my theme song when I moved into my very own apartment, establishing a dominance over my ex husband, and letting him know the ball was in my court. It took a trip to Favor house, a domestic violence center, and one night with the family, to show everyone, I wasn't crazy and I had a legitiment excuse for wanting a divorce.
When my mother said, 'It's like you were a different person.' when referring to my behaviors with my ex, is when I knew I was done.
I was done.

We the Kings- We'll Be a Dream
'Do you remember the nights we
Stayed up, just laughing
Smiling for hours at anything?
Remember the nights we, Drove around crazy in love?'

When I told my now husband that I loved him, I was married. I told him I wished I would have met him sooner. This song was the start of that romance and both a unhappy ending, but a truly happy new beginning.

Passenger- Let her Go
'Well, you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go'

And Let Her Go was the end.
I spent a week once driving around the PSC campus looking for his mustang so I could set the gummy bears I bought him on his car, to let him know I still loved him. But given the social norm and the fact that my marriage was still crumbling (not a huge shocker), I felt that if I didn't show him I cared, then it would be over.
I knew he was my soulmate.
And after the last fight with my ex, a packing of his things and basically helping him load it up into his truck. 
We were done.
And since that last time, songs have powered everyday of my life.

So it's not surprising that I find my writing inspiration with music. I make playlists for the books I'm working on and have them saved on YouTube, but also write out the songs and put them under which chapter or inner story that it attaches too. 
If someone comes into my office and looks at my story board, I will have to answer a lot of questions. 

What are the songs that move you? What stories do you hold inside with your favorite songs?