For as long as I could remember, I let music move me. I spend days going down musical rabbit holes in search for new jams and inspirations. I'll sit in my studio before clients come in jamming out to new music and sew.
Music has been there through my many highs a lows of growing up to love and divorce.
I once spent an entire summer combing through my late Uncle Mikes vast collection of unmarked burned CD's, wrote down lyrics to research lyrics later so I could find out who sang what.
This was a summer where my whole life was changed and upturned. My grandfather had past away, then a week later Uncle Mike died. We also moved from Las Vegas to Pensacola in a whirlwind of boxes and crazy music choices. This helped me cope with a lot, an ending and a beginning. Dark and light battling it out in my deep dark little soul.
At this time I was enjoying my dark phase: Evanescence and Disturbed.
I've had a Walkman where I taped my own mixes from radio edits from the hit radio station in Vegas. I'd had my diskman when Napster was prevalent and you had to pray no one picked up the damn landline during a download.
I've been through all these things, the blooming of technology: my first boyfriend bought me a Zune where my first few downloads were a movie for my long ass flight from Canada back to Florida and then later I bought an iPod touch for my birthday since my ex husband really sucked at gift giving
Think $20 dish set from Walmart.
We already had dishes.
That I bought.
Music, for everyone, holds something special.
It's what binds us to emotion, to memories, to life.
I can go down the list of my favorite songs and tell you what part of life I was in, what I felt and why this was a song I would listen to on repeat. The memories vivid, beautiful it all their dirty glory.
Sunshine and rainbows didn't describe my childhood, but I managed to grow and get through a lot of really dark times.
Music and writing were what saved my soul, it's how I learned I would be okay. It gave me an outlet for my emotions, belting out the lyrics in my car as I drove, crying or laughing, good or bad mood, music has been my constant companions. Never had I had someone known me quite as much as music.
This is the short Playlist of my life:
Pink- Family Portrait
Years of abuse at the hands of adults had caused me to go down a dark path of wanting to commit suicide on several occasions, so I no longer had to live in a constant state of fear and unease at being a failure. But also battling a deep sense of being someone someday, someone that would speak out and be a soldier for kids like me.
Walking on eggshells, staying up late so I slept until noon because then I would only have a few hours less of fucking up. Hearing this song with my step sister made me realize I wasn't the only one out there being hurt.
Hearing this as an adult I will still belt it out in the garage and my car as a type of continual
Evanescence- Bring Me to Life
I found this song at the airport as we were leaving Las Vegas for the last time to move to Florida.
Sitting in McCarren Airport, CD freshly bought with a magazine because I saw it had a Disturbed song. I was full of angst.
I had gone through the worst year of my young life and everything had changed.
I saw death for the first time, I saw the inevitable fall of my step dad emotionally when we got the call that my Uncle Mike was found dead and I was the only one at home to hold this strong man as he cried in my arms. Bring me to Life was the theme song of my next year of high school, played on repeat as I sat at the front of the bus; new girl and all.
Lady A- I Run to You
'I run my life
Or is it runnin' me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you'
The summer I met my ex husband.
This song was on repeat for me even before, I feel head over heel for that man. Young dumb and in love was definitely the title of that portion of my life.
A Great Big World- Say Something
'And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
Say something, I'm giving up on you'
I'd drive to work early in the mornings singing this at the top of my lungs. This was in the middle of our two year marriage, right after we married and I found out he felt like I made him commit. That it was my fault for him getting called to duty for the military because I wanted to get married.
I still remember walking in the door of his mothers kitchen and receiving the news that he was going over seas two weeks after getting married.
Learning your husband low key hated you because you thought marrying him would make him love you more, is a sad realization that no, if he didn't like you before; marrying the man wasn't gunna change that.
Sam Smith- Stay with me
'Oh, won't you stay with me
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love, it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me'
This song broke my soul after my divorce.
I would cry in the car anytime it came on the radio because it was gut wrenching how his voice portrayed so much emotion but it also painted a picture of my ex being alone. I know I wasn't his favorite person because of how he treated me, but I had found this broken man and I just could not keep pouring myself into a cup that refused to stay full.
And even though I moved on, I still grieved for a year after.
Halsey-You should be sad
"I wanna start this out and say
I gotta get it off my chest (my chest)
Got no anger, got no malice
Just a little bit of regret (regret)"
Coming to terms with a hate I had for my ex and wondering why, for years after, he hurt me so much. What had I done to him, besides love him enough to hurt me so bad and still stay. I was never pretty enough, or skinny, I didn't have the same aesthetics as sexy women he wanted me to be like, I dressed in polka dots when he wanted me dressed as a 'slut'. Realizing that my ex probably wasn't all that bad because his mother latched her hateful nature onto him because she's just an asshole.
Still don't like her after eight years.
Still wish I would have sent her a glitter bomb.
The part about her not wanting babies with the source of her song, also rang true. I would have been stuck if I agreed to that.
Little Big Town- Better Man
'I know I'm probably better off on my own
Than loving a man who
Didn't know what he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me'
It took a long time to love myself after back to back child abuse and domestic discourse with a verbally abusive spouse. I sat a lot stuck in my head and in a rut, on whether or not I was actually loveable or if it was just me. If all these people treated me so bad, was it me really me? Or was I exuding a sort of pheromone that said, 'Hey, look at me, I'm weak."
It took until 2020 for me to stop apologizing to the people who hurt me, for standing up for myself and putting my emotional health first.
Lana Del Ray- Summertime Sadness
'I got my red dress on tonight
Dancin' in the dark, in the pale moonlight
Done my hair up real big, beauty queen style
High heels off, I'm feelin' alive'
After months of struggling with right and wrong, self hate and a deep hate for my ex and what he was putting me thought emotionally; I wore my red dress that night. I went out to a dance social and looked beautiful in a dress I didn't feel too comfortable in, but I was stepping out of my comfort zone for the first time and saying 'fuck it, my happiness came first.'
And danced the night away with a man who later became my second husband.
John Legend- All of Me
'Cause all of me loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections'
When Andrew came into my life, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He never told me, but it was the small things he did or said; all while respecting that I was married. He knew my emotions and would ask me when he knew something was off; with him I could never hide anything that was wrong, still can't. He would ask me about my day and we would talk about our plans and dreams while sitting at the local colleges racket ball courts in between our ballroom/swing dance practices or at Sonic over a drink before parting and going our separate ways.
It was the way he took my hand to help me down the flight of stairs on Swing dance nights, and how I actually longed, each week, for the next time he took my hand going down those steps every Friday night.
Lady A- Compass
'You wanna give up cause it's dark
We're really not that far apart
So let your heart, sweetheart
Be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go'
This was my theme song when I moved into my very own apartment, establishing a dominance over my ex husband, and letting him know the ball was in my court. It took a trip to Favor house, a domestic violence center, and one night with the family, to show everyone, I wasn't crazy and I had a legitiment excuse for wanting a divorce.
When my mother said, 'It's like you were a different person.' when referring to my behaviors with my ex, is when I knew I was done.
I was done.
We the Kings- We'll Be a Dream
'Do you remember the nights we
Stayed up, just laughing
Smiling for hours at anything?
Remember the nights we, Drove around crazy in love?'
When I told my now husband that I loved him, I was married. I told him I wished I would have met him sooner. This song was the start of that romance and both a unhappy ending, but a truly happy new beginning.
Passenger- Let her Go
'Well, you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go'
And Let Her Go was the end.
I spent a week once driving around the PSC campus looking for his mustang so I could set the gummy bears I bought him on his car, to let him know I still loved him. But given the social norm and the fact that my marriage was still crumbling (not a huge shocker), I felt that if I didn't show him I cared, then it would be over.
I knew he was my soulmate.
And after the last fight with my ex, a packing of his things and basically helping him load it up into his truck.
We were done.
And since that last time, songs have powered everyday of my life.
So it's not surprising that I find my writing inspiration with music. I make playlists for the books I'm working on and have them saved on YouTube, but also write out the songs and put them under which chapter or inner story that it attaches too.
If someone comes into my office and looks at my story board, I will have to answer a lot of questions.
What are the songs that move you? What stories do you hold inside with your favorite songs?
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