Out of the Inside

 

I have always been more of the watchful sort that sits on the outside of things and watches typical human interactions. I used to be ashamed of being dubbed the weird kid, but as an adult it has helped me understand things more deeply.

Today, for instance, was one of those moments I have been waiting for a little over 9 years. It is no secret or love lost, that my divorce was unnecessarily dirty. My first husband and I didn’t have kids or property, we shared a car and I eventually gave that back after not wanting to hear about it any more or getting anywhere trying to finance on my own (divorce DOES mess up your credit). So does trying to help your mom finance a $10,000 loan and it taking 9 years of financial depression to be settled.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, and one of those lessons were watching my friends live their lives; without me.
My ex won my friends in the divorce because it was technically a family thing. I knew my friends first, so it burned when they left me alone after that whole thing. I spent many a sad day going through old pictures and Facebook profiles just to keep up with them.
Lots of tears.
Lots of hatred to myself, my ex and my friends for thinking so little of me.

I’m no longer sad about it, if we need to put an emotion behind those times, now I term it as bittersweet.

My friend got married today.

Sitting on the outskirts today, watching everything unfold as the sunshine came out after a particularly bad storm, watching everyone I used to know mill about, I sat naming them, commenting to myself how they’ve grown, changed and so on. Most were my ex’s family members since the bride was his cousin.
Also, sat there waiting for him to show up, the whole time holding my husband’s hand nervously.
My other friend also had a new baby boy; I had no clue.
I watched them take pictures together, smiling and laughing and I smiled to myself remembering different times when we all used to be close.

I was a stranger watching from the outside and if it were anyone else, I guess it could be deemed torture. It just made me realize that I had literally missed a decade of these peoples lives.
These girls, that I had spent so much time with in High School, were now essentially strangers and I longed for that commodity again. All the stories I have, where in the past. The sleep overs, the surprise birthday parties, afterschool shenanigans and everything under the sun.

But my awkward self knows she’s at a loss, because how do you go back to a new normal where you don’t know exactly where you stand?
On one hand, we were too young to deal with things like divorce, especially since I never opened up to any of them about the problems I had in my married life.
To be honest, my family never knew.

This was a failure for me, and I didn’t handle failure, I stuck with it until I knew deep down something was off and I was better off just leaving. I felt like if I denied the lies surrounding our divorce, that I’d still look guilty anyways, but I realized not voicing my concerns led it to me looking like a real asshole.

So, I’ve had to live with the lie that ended my friendships with two people I thought would be ‘friends forever’, and didn’t fight for them to see my side of the story. Because when I’m hurt, I run away, get another new job and work myself until I don’t have feelings. I’ve thrown myself into working my ass off so I wouldn’t have to think of the hurt.

My brain was left thinking: My friends left me because my ex or ex mother in law wanted to be vindictive, so be it, if they think so little of me then I shouldn’t have them in my life. My own family thinks so little of me too, so was it any different at that point? Maybe if I just find one person that likes me, after I spill ALL my guts to them…if they stay…then they’re all I need right?
I ran through all the stages of grief scrolling through Facebook.

If it wasn’t for my husband now, I probably wouldn’t be here. Truth be told, he’s the only reason I come back from the darkness. He became my best friend during a time when I didn’t know who my friends were. My ex had told my friends to ‘keep me busy and to watch me’, what I don’t think he told them is why I was wanting a divorce. I’ll leave it at, his mom was on our joint checking account and he was going over seas and I didn’t trust her. What it all boiled down to was severe trust issues.
I had also found messages from him to his ex-girlfriend/fiancée, and all the messages to my friends telling them to keep me busy. In that time his mom had taken out like, $5000 from our brank and told him I took it to give to my mother (I didn’t know this till years later.) I got reamed up and down Facebook for cheating on my ex, when I had not.
I’ll be honest about it, after a harrowing 9 months of emotional distress and turmoil on a daily basis, I did fall in love with my now husband. He was only my dance partner and friend, but the fact that he cared enough to talk me through some of my issues when I segregated myself from everyone; and he stayed.
He literally saw me at my worst, knew my bullshit, asked questions, tried to help me out; but the fact that this man still showed up to dance practices and after letting me have a good cry, would clap his hands, pull me up and say ‘Lets dance it off’ like I didn’t just bare my soul.
He was the only person I let in at that time. I simply couldn’t trust anyone else without it getting back to friends or my mother.

I felt betrayed by my past.

At the time I felt my ex hated me more because I told him outright I wanted a divorce; I told his mom too. If he wasn’t willing to grow up and be an adult, move away from his family and get his mom off of his personal accounts, then I didn’t want to stick around and have to deal with it.

If you’re not willing to grow, I’m not willing to keep watering you.

He wanted me to lose weight, to wear skimpy things, to look like other women (pointing them out to me asking me why I didn’t look like them), all the while bragging to me about how many girls thought he was hot and who he flirted with that day. I already felt inadequate. I felt inadequate because at that time, yeah, I kind of wanted kid at the time, but he always used a condom even though I was on birth control. He thought so little of me, that I would trap him of something.
After we married, I also had to deal with an accusation that soured our relationship from there, that it was my fault for wanting to get married and that’s why they enlisted him active duty.
I was the reason he went overseas, he would tell me.

That’s when I started hated him; I sacrificed a lot to be there with him. I quit college three classes away from graduation, I left my family and friends, I broke my one friends heart by not going to her wedding because he put in my head that she didn’t like me anyways because I was dating him.

Nine years later I’m sad for him. I may have lost a lot in the process, but falling so hard made me work harder to prove my ‘enemies’ wrong. I was worth something, I AM worth everything.
My past does not define my future. Because damn it’s bright.

Thanks to him I have rebuilt from ground up; my credit score is up, my debts a year away from being paid completely, I’m on my 8^th anniversary with my husband who is my best friend and he still loves at me every more, whether II look it or not, and calls me beautiful. That no other woman could ever compare. Thanks to my ex, I knew what unhealthy love was and that I had to go through him first, to appreciate my nerdy little Andrew. Thanks to my ex I know I don’t want children after they attempted to talk me into getting pregnant before he left so I could be kept busy. Thanks to my ex I’ve worked my ass off, living to prove him wrong.
I own my own business, I’m about to build a house and I’m starting a career in writing.

But at the end of the day, and sitting through Brittney’s wedding, I shed a tear as a type.

Here’s to friendship my love, to the nitty gritty and the bullshit we dug our way through.
I didn’t tell you today, but I’m grateful you included me and my husband., I needed him there to hold my hand as I watched my oldest best friend marry her true love. I cried when Cory said his vows to Cadence and took her as his own daughter.
Seeing you walk down the isle made me tear up, seeing Britt as the bridesmaid also helped that along. I’d been away from you ladies for so long and it truly sucked sitting back there watching from a distance, but I loved being included.

Through mixed emotions and a lovely ending of this chapter of my life, I sign off with this.

You’re alive, so be alive. Feel the emotions raw and dirty, be vocal, and let people know the things in your heart. We get one life to live, so life this thing well. Don’t live with ten years of regret under your belt when you could have had better memories, instead of soul crushing regrets.
Live your truth.